如何让异地恋稳定长久

部分 1

部分 1 的 3:尽量保持常态

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保持联系。因为不能经常见面,尽量建立并保持情感上的联系就显得更加重要。[2]
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研究来源
Aylor, B. A. (2003). Maintaining long-distance relationships. Maintaining relationships through communication: Relational, contextual, and cultural variations, 127-140.

哪怕发生多小的事也跟对方说,时常保持沟通能显示出你对这段关系中的时间和精力投入。[3]
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研究来源
Aylor, B. A. (2003). Maintaining long-distance relationships. Maintaining relationships through communication: Relational, contextual, and cultural variations, 127-140.

还能让你们了解彼此最近的生活。[4]
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研究来源
Johnson, A. J., Haigh, M. M., Becker, J. A., Craig, E. A., & Wigley, S. (2008).College Students’ Use of Relational Management Strategies in Email in Long‐Distance and Geographically Close Relationships. Journal of Computer-Mediated Communication, 13(2), 381-404.

如果出现较长的间隔(比如几天不联系),你们的日常生活就会显得更加不值一提,每次聊天都得从头说起。
了解对方喜欢的沟通方式。多试几种沟通方法,看看哪种最适合你们。[5]
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研究来源
Aylor, B. A. (2003). Maintaining long-distance relationships. Maintaining relationships through communication: Relational, contextual, and cultural variations, 127-140.

你们可以试试发短信、邮件或者视频通话,让彼此了解每天发生的所有生活小细节。
提前制定你们的沟通时间表。如果你知道之后可能会很忙,没有时间沟通交流,就要提前告诉你的伴侣,并尽量保持联系。如果你没有对方那么忙,那就让自己的时间安排更有弹性,多做一些自己感兴趣的事。
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多聊一点日常细碎。别以为每次对话都得是有深度的,一来就是聊恋情、聊希望、聊梦想。聊一些非异地的恋人会聊的小事情,比如去超市购物、家务或者装饰房子等生活琐事。[6]
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研究来源
Johnson, A. J., Haigh, M. M., Becker, J. A., Craig, E. A., & Wigley, S. (2008).College Students’ Use of Relational Management Strategies in Email in Long‐Distance and Geographically Close Relationships. Journal of Computer-Mediated Communication, 13(2), 381-404.

这样能让你们有一种一起建立一个家的感觉,这肯定也是你们所共同期待的。
聊一些生活中发生的无聊事也能增长你们之间连接和相互依赖,巩固感情基础。[7]
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研究来源
Sahlstein, E. M. (2006). Making plans: Praxis strategies for negotiating uncertainty–certainty in long-distance relationships. Western Journal of Communication, 70(2), 147-165.

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多点探望。如果经济条件允许,尽量腾出时间,多探望对方几次。你们要抓住任何可以见面的机会。[8]
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研究来源
Stafford, L., & Merolla, A. J. (2007). Idealization, reunions, and stability in long-distance dating relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships,24(1), 37-54.

[9]
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研究来源
Dainton, M., & Aylor, B. (2002). Patterns of communication channel use in the maintenance of long‐distance relationships. Communication Research Reports,19(2), 118-129.

定期探望对方,至少也要在每次探望之后定好下次见面的时间。面对面的沟通和恋爱满足度、承诺、信任同样重要。[10]
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研究来源
Aylor, B. A. (2003). Maintaining long-distance relationships. Maintaining relationships through communication: Relational, contextual, and cultural variations, 127-140.

创造属于你们的见面仪式,比如去喜欢的餐厅吃饭,又或者在家享受一个安静的夜晚,或者参加一些你们喜欢的其它活动。
安排好行程,别被时间推着走。确定几点在机场/火车站见面。只带一个行李袋,或者在他/她家留下些基础用品,不要浪费时间等行李。
偶尔也离家。去一个没有去过的地方见面,或者在你们的中点碰面。

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了解彼此。正如普通恋人,你们应该多花些时间认真了解彼此。聊天的时候,记下你的伴侣喜欢什么(比如兴趣爱好或者每天都会做的事),做点小调查,增加谈资。
如果你们想给彼此送礼物的话,了解对方的偏好也是非常重要的。对于远距离恋爱,交换礼物也是一种表达彼此感受的沟通方式。[11]
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研究来源
Aylor, B. A. (2003). Maintaining long-distance relationships. Maintaining relationships through communication: Relational, contextual, and cultural variations, 127-140.

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记住,他/她也只是普通人。距离产生美,但也可能会让你将对方的形象理想化。虽然说形象理想化能让你们的关系更加牢固,但极端理想化(觉得对方是完美的)可能会在真正见面的时候产生落差。[12]
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研究来源
Stafford, L., & Merolla, A. J. (2007). Idealization, reunions, and stability in long-distance dating relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships,24(1), 37-54.

保持每天联系有助“普通化”对方,也能让你发现你的伴侣所经历的所有变化。[13]
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研究来源
Aylor, B. A. (2003). Maintaining long-distance relationships. Maintaining relationships through communication: Relational, contextual, and cultural variations, 127-140.

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即使存在着距离,也要给予对方足够的支持。如果他/她遇到什么烦心、伤心事,或者其他麻烦事,一定要陪着他/她。这样能让对方感受到你的在乎。如果你的伴侣最后只能自己去解决这些重要事情,他/她也就不需要你了。[14]
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研究来源
Stafford, L., & Merolla, A. J. (2007). Idealization, reunions, and stability in long-distance dating relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships,24(1), 37-54.

相互依赖是指为了对方或者这段关系,愿意放弃做自己感兴趣的事情的意愿。[15]
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研究来源
Finkel, E. J., & Campbell, W. K. (2001). Self-control and accommodation in close relationships: an interdependence analysis. Journal of personality and social psychology, 81(2), 263.

给予彼此足够的支持能培养出相互依赖,而相互依赖对于异地恋情来说是至关重要的。
相互依赖可以从平常的活动中体现出,比如对一些决定或者长期行为(比如抽烟)的妥协。

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信任。不管距离远近,信任都非常重要。[16]
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研究来源
Simpson, J. A. (2007). Psychological foundations of trust. Current directions in psychological science, 16(5), 264-268.

忠诚,拒绝诱惑。就算你犯错了,重要的是坦诚。向对方坦白,虽然有时候说谎可能会对你更有利。[17]
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研究来源
Simpson, J. A. (2007). Psychological foundations of trust. Current directions in psychological science, 16(5), 264-268.

举个例子,如果你身处一个可能存在诱惑的地方(比如酒吧),撒谎可能对你来说是一个更好的选择,但坦诚则会对你们的关系更加有利。
多用邮件和其他在线资源培养信任感。[18]
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研究来源
Dainton, M., & Aylor, B. (2002). Patterns of communication channel use in the maintenance of long‐distance relationships. Communication Research Reports,19(2), 118-129.

[19]
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研究来源
Johnson, A. J., Haigh, M. M., Becker, J. A., Craig, E. A., & Wigley, S. (2008). College Students’ Use of Relational Management Strategies in Email in Long‐Distance and Geographically Close Relationships. Journal of Computer‐Mediated Communication, 13(2), 381-404.

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投入。保持开放和坦诚的心态,多让对方了解你的个人信息。[20]
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研究来源
Petronio, S. (2013). Brief status report on communication privacy management theory. Journal of Family Communication, 13(1), 6-14.

双方都应该要在精神上足够投入,因为个人价值观相同才在一起,而不要因为社交压力而勉强自己。[21]
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研究来源
Lydon, J., Pierce, T., & O’Regan, S. (1997). Coping with moral commitment to long-distance dating relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 73(1), 104.

个人价值观包括如“保持忠诚是我的性格”之类的信念。社交压力则包括社会是非观。比如,“如果我背叛女友,我妈肯定会崩溃的,女友也会和我分手”。
注意你的伴侣有否尝试逼迫你做一些只对他/她有利的事情,比如为了让你做正事的时候接他/她电话而谎称发生意外。如果在沟通过程中出现了欺骗和操纵,那就有必要仔细思考你们的关系为什么缺少信任了。

专家提示 Jessica Engle, MFT, MA 情感导师 Jessica Engle是美国旧金山市湾区得一名情感专家和心理治疗师。她在获得咨询心理学硕士学位后,于2009年创立了Bay Area Dating Coach。Jessica也是一位拥有超过10年经验的持证婚姻与家庭治疗师和注册戏剧治疗师。 Jessica Engle, MFT, MA 情感导师 尽管距离遥远,仍要建立可靠的关系:“在做好共度美好时光的计划后,务必要遵循这些计划。你还可以聊一聊未来,寻找彼此共同的追求,让大家对共同的未来充满期待。”

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不要因为对方说的话/做的事生气或者伤心而无理取闹。如果有问题,就直说,沟通很重要。沟通能建立信任,让你们的关系更加牢固。如果你会担心对方因为你的一时之气而做出什么会让你伤心的事,这段关系也不会长久。

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部分 2

部分 2 的 3:共同活动和联系

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分享。找一些你们俩都可以使用和分享的平台,比如在线博客或者剪贴簿。这是一种新的交流方式,还能给你们一种“共同创造”的感觉。[22]
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研究来源
Aylor, B. A. (2003). Maintaining long-distance relationships. Maintaining relationships through communication: Relational, contextual, and cultural variations, 127-140.

如果你们都喜欢烹饪,可以开一个美食博客。在微博上放健身的照片,或者想一个只有你们俩知道的微博话题。
分享你们的在线日程。这样做的话,就算你们没时间交流,那你也至少有个途径知道原因。这无形中也增加了聊天的话题,比如“昨晚的演唱会怎样?”

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同时做同一件事。这能让彼此感觉近一些,距离也更容易跨越。[23]
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研究来源
Stafford, L., & Merolla, A. J. (2007). Idealization, reunions, and stability in long-distance dating relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships,24(1), 37-54.

如果你不知道可以做什么,你可以试试:
同一天的同一个时候一起做饭。如果你们俩都不喜欢烹饪,也可以约定吃同样的菜或者零食。
读同一本书或者同一篇文章。你们甚至可以轮流给对方念书。
同时看电视或者看电影。你们可以一边讲电话,分享彼此的反应。
吃饭或者一起看电影的时候视频。
一起睡觉。你们可以讲电话或者视频,然后一起入睡。偶尔这么做能让你们感觉彼此更加亲近。如果时差实在太大,那就跟他/她说早安或晚安。

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一起学习。找一个你们都感兴趣的课程,比如一起参加在线的语言课程或者学习编织。只要是你们都感兴趣的都可以。这能创造一段你们的美好的共同回忆,也能让你们的关系更加靠近。而且还能增加聊天的话题。
充分利用互联网。你们可以一起玩在线多玩家游戏,或者传统一点也行,下棋。不管怎样,都能让彼此更感觉“在一起”。

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让彼此有“特别感”。试着做点小事,让对方感受到你的在乎。你可以给对方寄情书。或者平常送点小礼物、卡片,还可以送花。[24]
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研究来源
Aylor, B. A. (2003). Maintaining long-distance relationships. Maintaining relationships through communication: Relational, contextual, and cultural variations, 127-140.

随便找个理由,送什么都行。
别觉得非得送大礼。多送点小东西和在特别场合送礼同样重要。

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培养共同兴趣。一起试点新花样,即使是分隔两地地试。这样你们就不止是望梅止渴地聊电话,虽然你们可能只能聊电话。可以做点浪漫的事,比如在讲电话的时候一起抬头看星。将手表同步,看表的时候也会想起对方。
做这些事的时候,提醒自己,对方也在想你。这有助强化你们之间的联系。

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联系。让自己觉得在对方的生活中有一席之地是一件很重要的事。认识一下对方的朋友,在线见面或者见真人都可以。[25]
X
研究来源
Sahlstein, E. M. (2006). Making plans: Praxis strategies for negotiating uncertainty–certainty in long-distance relationships. Western Journal of Communication, 70(2), 147-165.

这能够帮助你了解更多对方的生活,聊起天来也更加轻松。
如果某一天,你们其中一个人要因为相聚而搬离所在的地方,那个人就必定要放下朋友。离开的人要马上在新地方建立社交网络和职业网络。

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部分 3

部分 3 的 3:期望和界限

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搞清楚你们的关系。问严肃的问题,确定双方都明确这段关系到底算什么。你们俩想要的是哪种关系。比如说,你们只是吃吃饭的关系,暧昧,拍拖,还是已经订婚了?你们也要确定这段关系的排他性(也就是你们会不会跟其他人约会)。比如说,你可以问,“如果这段关系继续下去,你会愿意搬离现在的城市吗?”或者“你希望这段关系会有什么结果?”
虽然这些问题可能很难问出口,而且接下来的对话也会有点尴尬,但确认好关系能省去很多之后的痛心和误解,对于建立起你们俩都满意的关系非常重要。

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一起把疑虑、不确定和恐惧讲通透。期待美好的同时,也要将害怕和困难讲出来。把这看成是一次一起坦然挖掘彼此感受的机会。分开的时候,了解对方的心情起伏,其实比面对面地感受心情低落更加容易接受。
只想说正面话题,其实这也很容易理解。但你也应该让对方知道你所经历的低潮。[26]
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研究来源
Stafford, L., & Merolla, A. J. (2007). Idealization, reunions, and stability in long-distance dating relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships,24(1), 37-54.

你们都只是普通人,偶尔难过也是可以的。

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积极一点。多想想异地的好处,比如说你可以追求你的兴趣、爱好和事业目标。距离也能让你们在沟通和表达情感的时候多一点创造力。把异地恋看成是一次检验自己沟通技巧和情绪管理的机会。
只要把异地恋看成是短期状态,你就能对这段关系保持信心,也能给对方一种安全感和愉悦感。

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合理期待。记住,“每段”关系都需要很多的努力和奉献,不管是不是异地。如果你和你的伴侣愿意走到这一步,就别想逃得过路上遇到的种种障碍。如果你能学会如何跨过这些困难,这些挑战都只会让你们的长期关系更加坚不可摧。
比如说,你要准备好,重要的纪念日或者假期,对方都未必能陪着你。如果你知道周年纪念的时候,他/她不能和你一起度过,就试着用其他方式庆祝咯。

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